zlacker

A friend was asked out on dates, unsolicited, multiple times by coworkers.

I’m a geek and don’t know the first thing about dating, but doesn’t at least one of the parties involved need to receive an unsolicited request? Isn’t that how it works?

>>boolea+(OP)
Work isn't the place to proposition people for a romantic relationship. At all times, but especially when there's a power dynamic.

When that happens, along with a gazillion other little things women are disproportionately on the receiving end of, it has the effect of dissuading women from pursuing their career in the industry.

>>boolea+(OP)
> A friend was asked out on dates, unsolicited, multiple times by coworkers.

It's a little ambiguous in how this is worded whether the same person asked multiple times, or if it was multiple people each asking once. BUT in the former case especially, if you get turned down for a date please respect the other's wishes and do not keep trying, especially at work. It's not cute or charming, it's just disrespectful.

>>boolea+(OP)
If it is a setting where asking is potentially problematic -- like work -- it is best to either broach the subject more delicately or don't ask unless you are confident you know the answer is yes.

Just asking cold calling style is not the only option for approaching such things.

>>fruzz+u4
This is wrongheaded. Work is a fine place to find partners because you are likely to be educated similarly and have similar life goals. You have to be mature in how you handle it though. One of the women I probably loved most in my life I met at work.

>>Doreen+i6
If it is a setting where asking is potentially problematic -- like work

This is cultural, no? I mean, I have a personal rule of never dating coworkers, but I have friends elsewhere in the world where this isn't such a strange notion.

>>iamdav+ua
I worked at a company where co-workers dated and even married. It wasn't against the rules as long as one did not have power over the other at work.

Nonetheless, I was asked for a date by a senior programmer in the department I had been hoping to transfer to. This helped kill my hopes of having a real career at the company and helped me make my peace with just leaving the company shortly thereafter.

Some people know how to navigate such situations effectively. Some don't. Culture may help skew those percentages one direction or the other, but I think certain settings introduce inherent problems that need to be accounted for and navigated around. Working together is one such situation.

>>Doreen+ub
This helped kill my hopes of having a real career at the company and helped me make my peace with just leaving the company shortly thereafter.

Merely curious, was the working relationship between the two of you already strained/tense? Said another way, were you already planning to depart from the company before the senior programmer asked you out?

>>iamdav+rc
I did not have a working relationship with him. We worked at the same company, but we never worked together. I was already expecting to leave for unrelated reasons.

I have a certificate in GIS. In the 5+ years at that company, he was the only person who knew what GIS was without me having to explain it. It never crossed his mind that I might have IT ambitions or that my technical training might have value for the company. He just saw an attractive woman, and that was it. This helped convince me that the company was simply not fertile ground for a serious career for me.

My department was a pink collar ghetto. I had no desire to remain in an underpaid pink collar job and use the company as a means to marry well. He no doubt made at least 3 to 5 times what I made.

>>Doreen+Ld
Ah I understand a bit better now, thank you! Interestingly, I am an IT person with GIS ambitions, heh. Good luck to you regardless!

>>iamdav+ua
According to various surveys, 10-30% of long-term relationships in the USA started when the people met at work. The downsides can be considerable though, since you have to go to work with someone you turned down/turned you down.

And tech has the additional problem that women are under-represented so they get propositioned a lot.

>>Doreen+i6
> don't ask unless you are confident you know the answer is yes.

I don't know about the US, but where I come from you never know that the answer is yes until you ask. Unless you are approaching a prostitute.

>>ambiva+76
In turning down someone, make sure to make it clear that you don't want to go out with them. "I'm sorry, I don't date co-workers" or "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" or something similar. If you say, "I'm sorry, I'm busy that night," you may very well get asked again. If you don't make it clear and you get asked again, it may happen again until you make it clear. After the third or fourth time, maybe someone will get the hint; but, it's always better to jus be clear about it.

>>cheez+A9
Marriage creates a legal protection between partners which as far as I know is stronger than the employer/employee relationship, so the company is rational to be uncomfortable with such situations in competitive situations where court is plausible. Part of the big money game is playing by more restricted rules.

>>boolea+(OP)
The request usually won't be _explicitly_ solicited, but there are other cues you can pick up on (ie flirting). Of course people can read general friendliness as romantic interest (or vice versa), but you can have at least a decent guess whether someone will be interested in going on a date with you. In some contexts it doesn't hurt to ask when you're unsure, but at work it's better to err on the side of caution (doubly so if there's any power difference between your positions).

>>Fishki+DH
>there are other cues you can* pick up on

*Assuming that you are neurotypical

>>harlan+Gz
Sure, but finding partners at work is fine.

>>Doreen+Ld
> He just saw an attractive woman

Attractive sexually or intellectually?

>>dzhiur+Su1
Not cool. Please don't.